EDIT: Thank you all so much for your thoughtful input. It means so much to me.
Hi, all. I’m looking to change my nasty tendency to be a sore loser, particularly when playing games. I tend to personalize losses that are of no consequence. When the game starts to shift against me, I often stop trying as hard because it feels hopeless. My partner is much more proficient at board games than I am, and I don’t want this toxic trait of mine to make games less fun for us. What are some things you all tried to lessen this train of thought, if you’ve experienced it?
I am still this way a bit. Really it boils down to perspective.
For me I broke it down like this
-
You get angry about losing because it makes you feel incompetent
-
I am allowed to enjoy things casually, I don’t have to excel. I can excel at things that actually matter and have real world consequences, like work
-
There are a million factors that can feed into a loss; luck being one of them
-
This is a worthwhile struggle. Realizing you want to change your perspective is a great start.
Reframe your goals. Is the game about winning or is it about having fun with your friends? Almost always the real goal is the latter, but our lizard brains don’t always realize this. Sometimes this may mean you choose to play differently because your goal is to maximize fun rather than win rate. And that way if you do lose you don’t feel bad because you still had a good time.
Losing gives you a chance to practice being happy for someone else. Remember board games especially are an excuse for you and a bunch of people you like to sit at a table and do something fun. If you can’t find joy in simply playing a game, just take a moment to appreciate the joy and excitement of the people around you.
For me it was a shift in perspective. It sounds trite, but basically, I turned “having fun” in to the thing I’m trying to win. So I still optimise and strategise, but sometimes it’s to make ridiculous moves that will make people laugh. Sometimes it’s to keep the game close, and sometimes it’s just to try and win. It all depends on who I’m playing with and the mood at the table
I just stopped competing. I’m not a good loser or winner haha. I really like cooperative games.
Two approaches. Mixed success with both.
-
Choose games that don’t make you feel bad. This can mean playing more cooperative games, or it can mean offering to referee or sit out games you know will just piss you off. For me, the chance of winning isn’t appealing enough to outweigh the chance of ruining the game for someone else. It helps to identify what exactly it is about losing that makes you so sour. I have a hard time with games like Cards Against Humanity because the card combinations that are funny to me usually aren’t funny to anyone else because they didn’t go on the ADHD field trip with me to make those connections. It starts to feel like a popularity contest that I’m losing because my brain is wired wrong, and it’s hard not to take that personally.
-
Set different goals in the games you’re playing, and define ‘winning’ for yourself based on those goals. I used to get annoyed every time my friends pulled out settlers of Catan. I would do what made sense to me each turn, but I’d always lose anyway either to random chance or just not having enough RAM in my brain. Even on the rare occasions I won I often wouldn’t have fun with it because I spent so much of the game being frustrated. So I decided the only thing I cared about in the game was getting one of the bonus goals, usually ‘longest road’. That was much easier to focus on, and it took all the pressure off me to win. After a while it became kind of a running joke.
It’s not perfect, and it doesn’t happen in a vacuum either. Sore losers often have anger issues they’re not dealing with (I know I did!) and figuring that stuff out will help in more areas of your life than just board games.
Your mileage may vary.
Good luck!
-
I just lost the game. And now you have.
My partner also doesn’t like losing, and so we bought a few cooperative games instead. Now we both have a great time regardless, as we both win or lose together. Aeon’s End and Spirit Island are two games which we play which we particularly enjoy!
If it won’t bother you in six months, its not worth getting bothered about.
Or even 6 days or hours.
While I did upvote you on this, I think it’s a matter of scale. Some things in that scale are certainly worth being bothered over, especially if you’re younger or have rapid life changes. However I fully agree things like games fit in there (for me).
That being said, everyone is built different, and what I might think is trivial could be the most important thing in someone else’s life in that moment and bother them for days. So I tend to lean towards the 6 month range, as it covers most everything.
No good advice, but I want to say kudos to you for seeking self improvement!
Ask yourself what winning the game gains for you and what losing costs you. Then ask yourself what behaving like an ass when you win or lose might gain you or cost you. No one will remember you won that particular game in a month except maybe you. It is not going to be something that other people findly remember about you when you aren’t around. However if you act like a ass, they definitely will remember and what you will gain if you repeatedly behave like that is a reputation, and not a good one. Nobody else really cares if you win or lose. It says literally nothing useful about you in day to day life.
What do you prefer to win, a board game or a lasting relationship.
Now that’s said, when you are in the midst of losing and you can feel the tension. Remind yourself what is really at stake as above.
If you start losing and winning graciously you will hopefully come to realise the above naturally.
You either win or you learn.
If things don’t go your way this time, you have an opportunity to look over what went wrong and what you can fix for next time.
Then come back for round 2.
This works in both serious and casual situations. Even in casual situations, opponents often appreciate a player who can adapt.
Ask yourself: what can I learn from this?
Try to stop seeing a loss as a loss. Try to see a loss as lessons, instead
Probably not the answer you’re looking for, but weed. I hate losing at anything, and that compounds heavily in matter that I care about. I’ve completely cut NFL from my life starting last year because that’s the only way that I found to not feel like shit after a loss. Not only did it ruin a day or two for me, I was a twat. Prior to weed, I was overtly aggressive. Not to others but my language and inanimate objects. Weed chilled those tendencies, but it didn’t fix post game losses. I’ve had to do a lot of deliberate mental work to stop caring. I think I was raised to be competitive, so breaking those traits has taken years.
