I’ve been reading through the bible via a kids bible with my son.

One of the things that legitimately shocked me is how I was completely wrong about assuming I got the gist of everything via cultural osmosis. Yeah, there’s a few spots that we hear all about, but story after story after story I’d never heard anything about.

I thought the end of the plot was the rapture for the good and apocalypse for the rest of humanity. So unless we somehow missed the rapture (oh shit that might actually be the case 🤔) the Bible didn’t spoil anything.

But anyway, I think Christians don’t want people to read the Bible, they want people to become Christians. And to do that they should act more like JESUS CHRIST! Like going into rich peoples homes, throwing around tables and fuck shit up!!!

What makes you think Christians want anybody to read the bible? It’s nothing but a hazing ritual meant to delay anybody who challenges their beliefs until they lose interest in discussing uncomfortable topics or give up 50 generations deep in a long list of "begat"s.

Ugh, so instead of doing what I should be doing (working😭), this fucking post made me have GPT explain the plot of the Bible to me, and …

WHAT THE FUCK??? 😳

It all starts with “The Seven Seals, Trumpets, and Bowls” but I leave this out cuz I didn’t really understand it and, while dramatic, it seemed unnecessary. For dramatic effect, I also left out and/or rearranged some parts, but basically, here’s what’s going to happen according to the Bible (according to GPT):

The rise of the Antichrist

Emergence from the Seas: A formidable beast rises from the sea. It possesses seven heads, ten horns, and upon its horns are ten crowns. Each head is marked with a blasphemous name. This creature’s appearance melds the features of a leopard, bear, and lion. From the shadows, a dragon bestows upon the beast its power, throne, and immense authority.

Miraculous Recovery: One of the beast’s heads, once thought to be mortally wounded, recovers in a way that astounds the world. This miraculous healing draws many to pledge allegiance and worship both the dragon, for granting its authority, and the beast. A collective gasp spreads, with people uttering, “Who can compare to the beast? Who can stand against it?”

Blasphemous Proclamations: For forty-two months, the beast vocalizes proud and blasphemous words against the divine. Its audacious remarks target God, His name, His abode, and all celestial beings.

Dominance and Conflict: The beast’s reign extends over every tribe, people, language, and nation. It initiates a fierce conflict against the holy, overpowering them. All on earth, save for those inscribed in the Lamb’s book of life since the world’s inception, fall to their knees in worship of the beast.

The Second Beast, the False Prophet: Another entity emerges from the earth’s terrain. Its external demeanor mirrors that of a gentle lamb, bearing two horns, yet its voice rings with the authority and tone of the dragon. This being acts in harmony with the desires of the first beast. It orchestrates ceremonies, convincing the masses to elevate and worship the image of the dominant beast. This image isn’t just a mere statue; it’s alive, it speaks, and it delivers a stern decree: all who resist its veneration will face mortal consequences.

The Mark of Allegiance: In an audacious move to consolidate control, the second beast introduces a mandate: everyone, regardless of their social or economic standing, must bear a distinct mark on their right hand or forehead. Without this mark, the simple facets of life—buying food, trading goods, earning a wage—become impossible. This isn’t just any mark; it carries the numerical essence of the beast: 666.

The Second Coming of Christ

Celestial Appearance: The sky cracks open, revealing a brilliant figure astride a white horse, the universal symbol of victory. This isn’t just any rider; His eyes are a flame of fire, and on His head are many crowns. His name is “The Word of God,” and He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood.

Heavenly Armies: Following Him, the heavens release an army, each member clothed in fine, white, pure linen, also riding white horses. They carry no weapons; their presence alone embodies the might of righteousness and divine justice.

Decisive Confrontation: The beast, the global leader who once commanded the world’s attention, together with the kings of the earth and their armies, gathers to make a stand. But they aren’t just up against a man. They face the one called “Faithful and True,” whose words cut sharper than any double-edged sword. In a climax of cosmic proportions, the beast and the false prophet are thrown alive into the fiery lake of burning sulfur. With no trial. Their reign of deception is terminated.

The Millennial Reign: Christ, the Redeemer, establishes His throne on earth, marking the beginning of a thousand years of unparalleled peace and righteousness. The scars of past conflicts fade, replaced by the harmonious cadence of unity. Those who bore the brunt of persecution, who laid down their lives for their faith, rise again. They are honored with the privilege of reigning alongside Christ. Gone are the days of deceit, oppression, and corruption. Governance is marked by fairness, with justice flowing like a mighty river. The air is devoid of the cries of the oppressed; instead, songs of joy and gratitude reverberate from every corner. Nature exhales, landscapes rejuvenate, as deserts burst into bloom and barren lands yield bountiful harvests. The animal kingdom, once marked by predation and fear, now showcases a serene coexistence. The lion grazes alongside the lamb, while children play near once-dangerous creatures without a hint of trepidation.

Final Revolt and Defeat of Satan: After the thousand years, Satan is released and deceives the nations one last time, gathering them for battle. They surround the camp of God’s people, but fire comes down from heaven and devours them. Satan is then thrown into the lake of burning sulfur, joining the beast and the false prophet.

The Final Judgment

Resurrection of the Ages: As the millennial peace concludes, a monumental event unfolds: a resurrection unlike any before. Multitudes rise, representing every generation that has ever walked the earth. Both the righteous and the wicked, everyone awaits their final fate.

The Grand Courtroom: Above all stands the Great White Throne, so resplendent and fearsome that the very earth and skies flee from its presence. Seated upon it is the Divine Judge, whose gaze penetrates the depths of every soul. Books are opened, containing records meticulous and unerring—every deed, every word, every thought ever conceived.

The Decisive Criterion: Among these records, a paramount book is presented: the Book of Life. It contains the names of those who lived in alignment with the Divine, those who embraced love, truth, and righteousness. To be inscribed in this tome is to be recognized as a child of the cosmos, worthy of eternal communion. Those whose names echo from the pages of the Book of Life are ushered into an eternity of joy, peace, and love—an existence where sorrow, pain, and death are archaic concepts, never to be revisited.

But those absent from this Book are cast into the lake of fire. They are joined by all those who chose the path of darkness, defiance, and denial. The lake burns with sulfur, a final destination where deceit and wickedness are forever confined.

The New Heaven and New Earth

A Cosmic Renewal: The very fabric of reality shudders and transforms. The old heavens and earth, bearing centuries of scars and memories, fade away, making way for a pristine heaven and earth, untarnished and perfect.

The Heavenly City Descends: From the shimmering skies, a city of unparalleled splendor descends, its brilliance rivaling the most radiant of jewels. The New Jerusalem, vast and glorious, serves as the nexus between the Divine and humanity, its gates ever open, welcoming all who approach. At the city’s heart flows the crystal-clear River of Life, its waters pure and invigorating. Flanking its banks stands the Tree of Life, its branches heavy with fruit and leaves possessing the power to heal nations.

The Divine Dwelling: The greatest marvel of this renewed existence is the palpable presence of the Divine. God Himself chooses to reside among His people. The chasm, which once separated the Creator from His creation, is bridged forever. Night, with its accompanying darkness, is a relic of the past. The radiant glory of God illuminates every corner, rendering sun and moon redundant. The inhabitants live in perpetual day, basking in the warmth and light of the Divine.

The New Heaven and New Earth herald the ultimate realization of God’s grand design — a universe where love, harmony, and beauty reign supreme, and where the promise of “Behold, I make all things new” finds its resounding fulfillment.

“Jesus died for your sins.” “WOW. Spoiler alert, much??”

There were a lot of ‘mystery religions’ in the ancient world with this very idea behind it- you have to become a loyal follower before you know the real truth. And, until they got exposed, Scientology operated the same way. You had to be a certain OT level before they told you about Xenu.

So you’re not totally out there, but I think that ship has long sailed.

I will say that as far as old-timey fantasy novels that are ultimately just collections of short stories go, it’s not a terrible book. It’s no Silmarillion, but I’ve read worse.

Weird for people to hype it so much such a long time later, when there’s so much better stories around, even around worldbuilding and worldcreation and human interactions over such worldbuilding systems. Compare for example the Science of Discworld and its successor books.

“stop spoiling the plot”. What does that mean? Sorry I’m a little dumb