“No. I’ve been over this before. You don’t get a say in the matter.”
“Yeah but you do! And I know you want to. I’ve been in that head of yours, remember? I know exactly how much you really want to.”
“Not as much as I don’t want to. I’ve spent years pushing you away internally, don’t think for a second just because you can bother me physically and audibly I’m going to give in now.”
“Hmmm, want to bet? I’m physically here now, I’ll make sleep even harder for you. I’ll get on your phone when you aren’t paying attention and drive your friends further away from you. I am still as everpresent as before, I’m just even better at making your life miserable now.”
“You know what? You’re right. You’re not inside me anymore. But that’s a good thing, because now I can really do something about you. I guess you are getting what you want, just partially.”
Nice. A story that’s almost all good, natural-sounding dialogue, and the only description is also the climax. I think the lack of description really makes it feel immediate and snappy.
This is also definitely a fantasy that everyone who’s struggled with negative thoughts can relate to.
Like leafling said, this is pretty good! I like the shortform, dialogue only take on this, very different from most responses which usually describe things in detail. Instead of showing or telling, you let things be and communicate them through the dialogue. It reminds me a lot of how plays are written.
As an aside, I want to comment on something. It feels like the “shadow” was trying to goad the protagonist into killing them from the very beginning. The first line, “Come on, do it” paired with the last line, “I guess you are getting what you want” kind of hint at that. Dunno if that’s what you were intending, but I found that very, very cool.
I kind of wanted it to be ambiguous in that regard, when the part of you with the suicidal ideation becomes its own being, who does it really want dead?
“Come on, do it.”
“No. I’ve been over this before. You don’t get a say in the matter.”
“Yeah but you do! And I know you want to. I’ve been in that head of yours, remember? I know exactly how much you really want to.”
“Not as much as I don’t want to. I’ve spent years pushing you away internally, don’t think for a second just because you can bother me physically and audibly I’m going to give in now.”
“Hmmm, want to bet? I’m physically here now, I’ll make sleep even harder for you. I’ll get on your phone when you aren’t paying attention and drive your friends further away from you. I am still as everpresent as before, I’m just even better at making your life miserable now.”
“You know what? You’re right. You’re not inside me anymore. But that’s a good thing, because now I can really do something about you. I guess you are getting what you want, just partially.”
I grab one of the kitchen knives from the block.
Nice. A story that’s almost all good, natural-sounding dialogue, and the only description is also the climax. I think the lack of description really makes it feel immediate and snappy.
This is also definitely a fantasy that everyone who’s struggled with negative thoughts can relate to.
Thanks! I’m not a writer but stumbled across the post and knew immediately I wanted to give this a shot.
Like leafling said, this is pretty good! I like the shortform, dialogue only take on this, very different from most responses which usually describe things in detail. Instead of showing or telling, you let things be and communicate them through the dialogue. It reminds me a lot of how plays are written.
As an aside, I want to comment on something. It feels like the “shadow” was trying to goad the protagonist into killing them from the very beginning. The first line, “Come on, do it” paired with the last line, “I guess you are getting what you want” kind of hint at that. Dunno if that’s what you were intending, but I found that very, very cool.
I kind of wanted it to be ambiguous in that regard, when the part of you with the suicidal ideation becomes its own being, who does it really want dead?